True connection and intimacy are essential for human beings. They develop when we slow down and listen deeply to each other. This week's posts have clustered around the issue of dealing with our kids when they're emotional. Today, we're considering some 'don'ts' because that can help make all of the 'do's' clearer. Don't teach, explain and help. Maybe you've heard or said things like these:
Don't deny/distract:
Don't hurry them:
Don't shut them out:
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"Here’s the deal. The human soul doesn't want to be advised or fixed or saved. It simply wants to be witnessed — to be seen, heard and companioned exactly as it is. When we make that kind of deep bow to the soul of a suffering person, our respect reinforces the soul’s healing resources, the only resources that can help the sufferer make it through." Parker Palmer This quote from Parker Palmer's column, The Gift of Presence, The Perils of Advice published by On Being is really speaking about adult relationships, but it's not hard to see how it applies to parenting. When our kids are suffering, they don't want advice. They don't need us to fix or save them. They simply need to be seen and 'companioned.' It hurts to watch other people suffer and struggle and feel, but by doing it we provide a genuine, generous service. When we are sit with an angry, scared, or sad child without reacting, just allowing them to feel what they feel, they can work through those feelings. This process is kind of like compost, though, it can be messy, unpleasant and time-consuming. Just as food scraps compost into rich, fertile soil, difficult emotions transform into presence. When a child moves fully through their feelings, something changes. They may just run off and play. They may fall asleep or find a quiet place to be by themselves. They may have a good cry in our arms (or out of our arms). Something in them is transformed. To do this for a child:
Following the same thread as my other posts this week (Be A Lighthouse and Understanding Our Own Emotions), I humbly offer this next step. I'm breaking it down step by step because emotional changes are complicated and things seem to come up incrementally. Emotions are just feelings happening, there's no need to confuse them with actions, events, and choices in the past or future. Even when your emotional child is ranting about something ('I hate you guys, you never get me anything! Everybody else in the world has a phone. I know you hate me or you would let me get one!" for example), what they are really sharing is a window into how they are feeling. Don't get engaged with the thoughts spinning our from their emotional experience, stay with their emotions. See if you can 'hear' their feelings. That's a kind of radical suggestion. Don't get caught up in what they're saying (obviously, listen deeply and pay attention, and if there are concerning things consider how to handle them, but don't interrupt the emotional sharing to investigate them). Listen to the feelings, even when they are not talking about them directly. Listen to the feelings, even when they make you uncomfortable. Listen without redirecting, problem-solving, explaining, teaching, or convincing. If your child says something like, "Nobody ever sits with me at lunch because everyone thinks I'm stupid and even when I sit with people they just walk away and I hate my whole life . . " imagine listening without any judgment or agenda. Maybe you would just nod. Maybe you would say something little, "Oh wow," without breaking their flow. Maybe they're open to more, so you say, "Honey, that sounds really hard. I hear how sad you feel." They may correct, saying "I'm not sad, I'm angry. I hate them all." Just follow them. Here's the important thing--stay away from logic! An emotional person does not need logic, they need presence. Forget what you've learned about emotional support and try gentle and affirmative listening without fixing. See how it goes. Be patient, it can take longer than you might think, especially with a child who isn't used to it. They may have a lot of feelings to express. Let me know how it goes! Yesterday's post 'Be a Lighthouse,' was about the importance of staying clear and calm when our kids are emotional. Today's follows up on that by making sense of emotions and offering some suggestions about how to work with our emotions. An emotion is just an emotion--until we react to it. A feeling is not good or bad, and it isn't a choice or an action. Emotions are grounded in the physical body and begin as a physiological response to a need that is met or unmet. We can feel that as sensation. That sensation is like a physical call to action that moves us to take care of the unmet need. This has served a good purpose evolutionarily. It helps a person who is being chased by a wild animal because it releases lots of energy to help them run. It's less useful in our modern lives. If you are trying to get your child to school on time, you may feel stressed, frustrated, even angry in response to their dawdling. The adrenaline and cortisol released trigger a flood of physical energy which is unlikely to help you get your child out the door in a calm and reasonable way. Without a natural outlet (like running), your emotions may find expression through yelling or they may be stored up as stress. So what do we do? Begin by recognizing the physical experience of emotions within yourself. What does it feel like when you're angry, worried, scared? If you know that fear or worry feels like tingling in the shoulder blades, for instance (as it does for me), you can learn to use that sensation as a reminder to be present rather than react. When you recognize the sensations in yourself, establish a new habit of staying with the feelings rather than acting them out. You can give the physical energy a useful outlet by waving your arms hard for a minute, doing some push ups, or even washing dishes. Consider a physical outlet that you could try when you're flooded with energy. You can also try a calming practice like deep breathing. As you breathe in, feel the inbreath. As you breathe out, feel the outbreath. Consider breathing in to the count of 4, holding your breath for 4, exhaling for 8, and holding the breath out for 4 several times. Or just make your exhales at least twice as long as your inhales. These practices can help you to work with your emotions and sensations in healthy and constructive ways so that you can respond to parenting situations by staying calm, clear, and present for your child. “Lighthouses don’t go running all over an island looking for boats to save; they just stand there shining.” Anne Lamott When your children lose themselves in emotions, you get to be the lighthouse. Stay steady and clear, remembering who they really are. This will help them find a way back to themselves. Emotions feel so strong that you can forget that they will pass. An upset child may be so hijacked by their feelings that they say unkind words, yell, even throw things or hit. Parents can also get caught up in a big reaction to emotions, saying unkind words, yelling, giving ultimatums or punishments, or hitting. We know this doesn't help, right? But it's hard to stay calm. This week, I’m offering a series of posts about how (and why) to stay steady. Remember that you are not your emotions. When a child is upset and acting out, let your own feelings happen without acting them out. It’s okay to be angry, disappointed, or frustrated with your child and you can feel that without losing it! A wise parent knows that emotions are like an intense storm, they come and go. When your child is in the throes of a storm, remember who they really are! Respond to them with compassion, knowing that it is hard to feel such big feelings. Help them to be safe, stopping them if they're hurting people or objects. Care for your feelings so that you can stay steady for your child. Don't say much because they aren't able to listen. Wait for the storm to pass, keeping them safe, staying nearby if possible, and loving them. It’s a lot, right? But these things are so important! When you stay connected, not adding your own big emotions to theirs, you are like a lighthouse, showing them the way. Once the storm passes, there’s more opportunity to work with them (more on that tomorrow). On Sundays, I offer a mindfulness practice. Today, it is very simple, try it! There's an audio below if you like to listen. Sit somewhere that you can feel comfortable and relaxed. Settle into a posture that's dignified--your spine is straight and tall, your head feels balanced. If you're on the floor, make sure that your knees feel supported (either with pillows propped under them or with a cushion under your bottom so your knees are lower than your hips). If you are on a chair, let your feet be flat on the floor and sit upright. Notice what your body can feel. Take a moment to anchor in what your experience of your body is right now. Let yourself get still, starting with feeling your feet and letting them get very still, then slowing moving up through your body until everything is as still and calm as it can be. As the stillness spreads over you, start to feel the breath moving you. Feel it in your belly. Breathing in, feel your inbreath. Breathing out, feel your outbreath. Breathing in, follow your whole inbreath. Breathing out, follow your whole outbreath. Inwardly, just notice your breath moving in your belly, gently staying aware of it. If and when your mind wanders, gently return to the breath as soon as you notice. No problem. As you sit, stay present with your body, here and now, breathing. Notice how it feels to breathe. Let yourself enjoy it. Maybe you will feel your body soften and relax a bit. After a few minutes, 5 or 10 or 15, check in with your body again. Take a few breaths while you feel your sensations. Begin to bring movement into your fingers and toes. Let your eyes open when you feel ready. Check in with yourself, noticing how you feel. Appreciate that you've given yourself this time! |
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