I used to jump into the middle of issues with my kids, reacting impulsively before I even thought about how best to proceed!

For me, that might have looked like:

• criticizing someone (one or both of my kids, my husband, another person or situation),
• complaining ("I don't know why nobody listens to me,"),
• starting an argument ("You shouldn't have let them do that!"),
• giving an order ("Put that down right now!"),
• threatening a consequence ("You need to finish cleaning up or just stay home when we go out to lunch"), and/or
• fixing it myself.

There was almost no space for not knowing.

Over the years, practicing mindfulness and taking care of my emotions has changed me. The reactive habits are still with me, but they aren't as strong. I appreciate this shift, and at the same time it makes me realize how uncomfortable it is not to know what to do. Because I often don't know what to do.

I do know that it helps me to sit and feel my feelings, but it's still not easy for me to do it. I usually avoid them first. I get busy with work, run mostly errands, spend time on Facebook, eat, think about how I wish things were. Sometimes I even clean, go for a walk, or balance my checkbook.

Eventually I realize that I have to direct my attention inward and sit with my feelings. Because knowing how I feel isn't the same as feeling it! Once I turn inward, feeling the discomfort of not knowing, my irritation or worry about my child, or my helplessness about something going on in the world, then I start to create inner space. I notice how my body feels, to feel my emotions, to watch my thoughts. I breathe into the feelings, allowing them to be here.

Sometimes there's a dramatic shift--I relax or cry or soften. Other times it feels like nothing much happens. But doing this creates the space for my wisdom to show up.

Sometimes it takes a lot of looking and reflecting to see our own controlling tendencies, but the truth is that we all have them! Both permissive and controlling parenting are going to come up in us. It's the things I can't see in myself that scare me the most, because not seeing them doesn't mean they aren't in me, it just means they're unseen. So consider if and how yesterday's post about permissive parenting along with today's post relate to you even if the specific examples don't resonate.

So if and when you're being a controlling parent, it may look like:

• wanting to change how kids feel (emotionally and physically) and think. For example, when a child falls and the parent brushes them off saying "You're okay," that's an attempt to control the child's experience. Conversely, when a child falls and the parent rushes in saying, "Oh, you poor thing, let's go straight home," that's probably also controlling. When a parent waits to read the child's reaction and responds to it, that's balanced parenting.
• wanting to control how a child responds to his or her own needs. For example, if you want to make your child go to the bathroom because you can tell they need to, that's controlling. If you want to convince your child to eat when they say they don't want to, you're out of your own true power. If you tell your child they need to go to sleep, you are probably confused about what you're in charge of. Instead, we can consider getting curious about our children, inviting them to tune in to their bodies and feelings with us and helping them to learn how to respond wisely to their own bodies.
• wanting a child to send messages that feel right to you rather than them. For example, if you want your child to kiss relatives that they don't want to kiss, you are probably in their business. If you insist that they invite a child they don't like to a sleepover, you may be trying to control them. If you refuse to buy them the clothes that they like, instead making them dress in another style, you may be out of line. Instead, a wise parent helps children to pay attention to their own complex wants and needs, encouraging them to feel their own real feelings. Saying "Do you want to give hugs or kisses as we leave? Or just say goodbye?" offers a child real input into how they are touched.
• wanting to be the authority on your child's experience. If you explain to your child how they should play their sport (even when they aren't asking and you aren't their coach), consider stepping back. If you are telling your child how they probably feel, you may be confused. Instead, consider really listening.

Can you find this in yourself? I can!! Am working on it, and that work begins with awareness.