Sometimes it takes a lot of looking and reflecting to see our own controlling tendencies, but the truth is that we all have them! Both permissive and controlling parenting are going to come up in us. It's the things I can't see in myself that scare me the most, because not seeing them doesn't mean they aren't in me, it just means they're unseen. So consider if and how yesterday's post about permissive parenting along with today's post relate to you even if the specific examples don't resonate.

So if and when you're being a controlling parent, it may look like:

• wanting to change how kids feel (emotionally and physically) and think. For example, when a child falls and the parent brushes them off saying "You're okay," that's an attempt to control the child's experience. Conversely, when a child falls and the parent rushes in saying, "Oh, you poor thing, let's go straight home," that's probably also controlling. When a parent waits to read the child's reaction and responds to it, that's balanced parenting.
• wanting to control how a child responds to his or her own needs. For example, if you want to make your child go to the bathroom because you can tell they need to, that's controlling. If you want to convince your child to eat when they say they don't want to, you're out of your own true power. If you tell your child they need to go to sleep, you are probably confused about what you're in charge of. Instead, we can consider getting curious about our children, inviting them to tune in to their bodies and feelings with us and helping them to learn how to respond wisely to their own bodies.
• wanting a child to send messages that feel right to you rather than them. For example, if you want your child to kiss relatives that they don't want to kiss, you are probably in their business. If you insist that they invite a child they don't like to a sleepover, you may be trying to control them. If you refuse to buy them the clothes that they like, instead making them dress in another style, you may be out of line. Instead, a wise parent helps children to pay attention to their own complex wants and needs, encouraging them to feel their own real feelings. Saying "Do you want to give hugs or kisses as we leave? Or just say goodbye?" offers a child real input into how they are touched.
• wanting to be the authority on your child's experience. If you explain to your child how they should play their sport (even when they aren't asking and you aren't their coach), consider stepping back. If you are telling your child how they probably feel, you may be confused. Instead, consider really listening.

Can you find this in yourself? I can!! Am working on it, and that work begins with awareness.

Whether your children are young or old, they know that rough things have been going on in the world this week. Babies and tiny children don't need to understand what we're talking about to sense that something is wrong. They feel it in their bodies. Our tension, the heaviness or emotion in our voices, and changes in how we move or pay attention are easy for little guys to read and respond to.

School-age children know that something's going on even when we are careful not to talk about the Orlando mass shooting (or other shootings and shocking and violent events in the news) in front of them. Kids sense our feelings, reacting not to how we think we feel, but to how we actually feel. Consider if your child ever says "Why are you mad, Mommy," and you assure them you aren't mad, all the while wondering how they can tell. They sense it.

Tweens and teens are certainly hearing about these tragic events in school, from their friends, and/or on social media. Some may read, talk, argue, collect information and try to make sense of what's going on. Others may say nothing about it at home and avoid conversations, but may be thinking about it. Others may ask questions or express anxiety or other emotions.

So if your child (at any age) has been unsettled, fussy, restless, clingy, or irritable, they may be processing their feelings about this shooting. Be careful! Don't watch or discuss the news in front of your children (unless they are teens). If they're ready to talk about it, make sure you talk in developmentally-appropriate ways. Listen to their stories, concerns, and emotions if they bring them up, but don't add your own feelings to the burdens they already carry, talk to an adult instead. Help them have space to have their feelings, even when their feelings make you uncomfortable. Be extra gentle, remembering that they are affected even if they aren't talking about it. And be gentle with yourself, remembering that you may be heartbroken, angry, or scared, too.