Learning that I am responsible for my own emotions is one of many gifts I've received from my sons.
On the day something new broke through, I was having a conflict with my son. Until then, although I understood that he had a right to his emotions and that I was responsible for my own feelings, my behavior was actually controlled by hidden beliefs. Beliefs like, 'He should be reasonable,' and 'I should be in control' lived inside of me unconsciously.
Deeper was an even more unconscious layer that denied my own feelings, an inner unquestioned understanding that 'It's not okay to be uncomfortable,' or frustrated or ashamed or confused. Feelings like that are bad, are scary. So someone who stirs up those feelings is a problem.
Can you see how these layers work together? My child gets angry with me because I set a perfectly rational limit. His anger triggers a deep sense of discomfort in me, but I can't deal with that feeling for reasons I don't understand. So the emotional energy gets bumped up to the next layer and I think (and maybe even say to my son), 'You shouldn't act/think/feel that way.'
I was correcting him for speaking to me rudely, and he was getting angrier. I saw the helplessness on his face, the fury combined with pain caused by my pressure, my expectation that he stuff down emotions he couldn't control. I think my heart opened to it all just a bit at that moment, just enough to make me close my mouth and sit down.
I realized that he was a kid trying to deal with feelings.
And I was expecting him to deal with them alone.
So I took hold of my own feelings, knowing I'd need to take care of them later, and I asked, "Will you tell me about it?"
He was, of course, shocked. He yelled at me, unleashing those emotions. I barely held on enough to listen because I was swamped by my own intense feelings. I was shaking, feeling so confused by love for his tender self that I had seen under the anger and the discomfort of holding my own anger, judgment, and sadness. But I did listen. The issue reverberated for days as we began to learn how to deal with our feelings together. I practiced mindfulness like my life depended on it. I used every emotional tool in my own toolkit to take care of my feelings. I made a core shift from believing he should be reasonable to actively loving and accepting him when he was unreasonable.
I got some important things that day.
Simply, that loving is more important than controlling.
That listening is powerful.
That connection heals.
And to trust my child's true nature.
Every day I am grateful for that breakthrough. Every day I keep learning to embody it.
I want to invite you to take a radical, revolutionary step with me.
We can all do it, it costs nothing, and you need no equipment or special training.
It doesn't even take more than a few moments of your time and will actually feel good (for you and other people).
And it will literally help defeat the dark forces at work in our world!
Are you in? The simple step is to feed love.
What do you love right now?
Change can be almost unbearably slow
Just as we nurture our children's best selves and our own, we nurture our culture. We choose day by day, moment by moment, conversation by conversation, and vote by vote, the world that we live in. We can't give up on this messy world until it reflects the world in our hearts and souls.
Are you voting? Do you know the local candidates? Let's vote for change.
Back to school, cooler weather, the sunlight, the garden--it feels like everything is changing. For me, maybe for you, that can be bumpy. Watching my kids grow up makes me think longingly of those times when they were little and cuddly, when life felt simple.
But that emotional memory of the past isn't real. Just as I am often confused by how to be a mom to my mostly-grown sons, I was confused when they were little! It's not 'now' that's a problem, it's the experience of being uncertain, of figuring out something new, that uncomfortable feeling of not being sure how to do this.
My aspiration this fall isn't to do it all right, it's to show up in this moment, this new stage of my life, open to the vulnerability of not knowing. My plan is to practice being who I am without trying to be perfect or masterful or sure. My toolkit is love--loving myself even as I'm confused, embarrassed, awkward, and emotional; loving my family as they're making their own way through changes (rather than trying to control them, fix them, or rescue them!); and loving my community and this world as we navigate chaotic world transitions together. Would you like to join me?
Is somebody getting on your last nerve this week? Your child won't cooperate, your partner isn't supporting you, a colleague or neighbor just isn't noticing your boundaries? Or maybe you're getting on your own nerves?
August can feel like a 'last nerve' sort of month to me. The excitement of summer is waning, I'm kind of tired of heat and humidity, we've had a lot/too much of togetherness at home, fall will bring changing schedules and responsibilities.
Rather than react to the tensions of August, I like to take care of myself by practicing appreciation all month.
This morning when I woke up, I noticed about fifteen things that my family hadn't done (or hadn't done right). Instead of telling them, I stopped. I turned my attention to things I appreciate, the many small things they had done and the moments we had together this weekend. I told my husband a few things he's done recently that I really appreciate and shared some positive things I noticed about our kids. I also took a moment to notice positive things about myself.
It felt good.
This is my August practice, to wake up and notice five things that I'm grateful for. Sometimes I focus on myself, other times on my kids, work, house, the world, life. Little moments that I appreciate. Kindnesses shared. Help offered. Beauty observed. I'll write them, share them, or just notice.
Would you like to join me?
For me, as much as I crave and love slower summer days, they can also be difficult. When I get caught in my thoughts about all that I want--to do something special, to go for a hike, to sit in the sun, to work on my overgrown garden, to organize my house, to spend time with someone that I care about, to return phone calls, to reflect on next steps in my work, to spend an hour doing yoga--I feel disconnected from myself and my joy.
As I wrote in yesterday's post, A Mindful Vacation In This Moment, what I really need to do is gather my scattered attention and settle into awareness of the here and now. There are many things to do, but no matter how much time I have or things on my 'to do' list, I can only do one of them right now.
Today I noticed the pushing energy in me wanting to do many things at once. Then an inner reminder bubbled up, the insight that the best door to go through is the one that opens. So I sat, gathering myself into this moment, sensing not what I 'should' do, but which door is beckoning me.
A mindful life, like photography, requires some intentional focus.
As we approach the last month of summer, we can choose to narrow focus from every wonderful thing we might be missing or should have done to this moment, right now,.
Would you like to join me? Take time to enjoy something that's happening right now.
My life and work are guided by the these core understandings: that all beings (including me!) are capable of transformation and joy, that healthy parenting matters profoundly, and that simple practices can support each of us.