There are things that I need to learn again and again and again. Each time they seem to come up as though they're brand new, and eventually I remember,' I've been here before.'
Right now, I'm remembering (again) that parenting is not about outcome. The discipline, the art of parenting is certainly about supporting my children to shine and be their whole selves, but it is not about performance, mine or theirs. It's not about looking good, outer success, admiration, etc.
Of course I really know that but it's hard. There are times that things just don't look great, they get muddy. Even though I am practicing mindfulness of parenting and becoming a more conscious parent and human being, there are times that I argue with my kids, over-talk, get too busy to pay attention, and feel annoyed with them about things that aren't their fault. There are times that they don't make good choices, at home and out in the world.
I have these inner 'should's' about this. If I'm doing a good job, they should be happy, polite, successful, grateful, etc. If I'm doing a good job, I should be kind, patient, giving, balanced, fulfilled, etc. But that's just the same old story that my job is to create a 'good' outcome. Even these should's aren't really a problem, they create discomfort that reminds me to wake up and remember.
I remember that parenting is just a practice of showing up, again and again, for reality as it is. Showing up for my children as they are right now, with love, acceptance, and honesty. Showing up for myself and my present moment experience. And showing up for the world, recognizing every being as my child and as my self, and greeting them with acceptance, love, and honesty just as they are.
As a mom (to 2 teenage sons), wife, and person in the world, I have been on a long imperfect journey. I have made many mistakes, but with mindfulness, emotional reflection, and lots of support I have learned enormously from those mistakes.