The Discomfort of Not Knowing

I used to jump into the middle of issues with my kids, reacting impulsively before I even thought about how best to proceed!

For me, that might have looked like:

• criticizing someone (one or both of my kids, my husband, another person or situation),
• complaining ("I don't know why nobody listens to me,"),
• starting an argument ("You shouldn't have let them do that!"),
• giving an order ("Put that down right now!"),
• threatening a consequence ("You need to finish cleaning up or just stay home when we go out to lunch"), and/or
• fixing it myself.

There was almost no space for not knowing.

Over the years, practicing mindfulness and taking care of my emotions has changed me. The reactive habits are still with me, but they aren't as strong. I appreciate this shift, and at the same time it makes me realize how uncomfortable it is not to know what to do. Because I often don't know what to do.

I do know that it helps me to sit and feel my feelings, but it's still not easy for me to do it. I usually avoid them first. I get busy with work, run mostly errands, spend time on Facebook, eat, think about how I wish things were. Sometimes I even clean, go for a walk, or balance my checkbook.

Eventually I realize that I have to direct my attention inward and sit with my feelings. Because knowing how I feel isn't the same as feeling it! Once I turn inward, feeling the discomfort of not knowing, my irritation or worry about my child, or my helplessness about something going on in the world, then I start to create inner space. I notice how my body feels, to feel my emotions, to watch my thoughts. I breathe into the feelings, allowing them to be here.

Sometimes there's a dramatic shift--I relax or cry or soften. Other times it feels like nothing much happens. But doing this creates the space for my wisdom to show up.

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