We're doing two things as parents, recognizing the innate nature of our kids and helping them to clear the layers of conditioning that otherwise obscure that innate nature. The purpose of boundaries, as I continue to explore this theme, is not to shape our children into something good and right, they are already good and right. A skilled parent (or teacher) constantly looks beneath the challenges and issues a child is having to their perfect nature. But we are wise to stay clear about the challenges, really seeing and taking the time to understand them. We can ask 'Why is my child so angry?' not with judgment but with curiosity. 'Why does my child seem to have trouble making friends?' 'Why does my child refuse to brush his teeth?' This curiosity helps us to see very clearly and compassionately. When we understand a child, we can have appropriate and helpful boundaries and limits, ones that are focused on stripping away the layers that interfere with the full and beautiful expression of their being rather than trying to force them to fit a particular mold. As we see and understand the stuff showing up in our child's life, we can respond by holding a clear understanding of their nature, reminding them and the people around them as necessary of who they are. And we can see their challenges clearly, offering real support as they learn to work with those parts of themselves. When a child is physically disregulated, this can look like teaching them how to notice what it feels to be sleepy or hungry. When a child's emotions are either out of control or too tightly controlled, this can look like giving them space to feel their feelings and express them in safe ways with loving support. When a child balks at doing something new, this can look like teaching them how to do something like cleaning up, helping someone they have hurt, or learning an academic skill that doesn't come easily by breaking it down into manageable steps. When a child is self-critical, this can look like helping them to notice their own goodness. When a child is perfectionistic or afraid to make mistakes, this can look like allowing them to make mistakes and even fail while knowing they are loved and accepted.
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As I've been writing all week, parents are in charge of the structure of a family and that requires us to set some limits. Sometimes it seems that our kids don't respond well to a limit. Wouldn't it be easier if they looked at us and said, "How wise mom, that you're taking me home even though I want to stay at the playground. I'm hungry and tired, and even though I'm having fun it's time to go!" Of course, it's more likely that they'll melt down when we say no to their request to stay just a little longer. When this happens, we often feel like failures. It can be awkward, embarrassing, and frustrating to handle their tears, complaints, and resistance when we really want to go home to have lunch and give them a nap. And we sometimes feel frustrated with them, thinking they shouldn't act this way. But it's normal. When things get difficult, you don't need to try to control, diminish, or change their emotions, you can just accept them. By allowing their feelings and staying connected with your child, you help them to know that their feelings are okay. Being upset, sad, or even having a meltdown will not threaten your child's connection with you. Your child gets the chance to feel loved and accepted even though they aren't in control of whether or not to stay. And you also don't need to argue, negotiate, or convince them, even if they try to draw you into it. You can stay calm and clear, sticking with your expectation that it's time to go. This helps your child to know that they can want to stay without necessarily staying. Feelings and desires are just feelings and desires, they don't always need to be indulged. It may take longer to leave than you want as you navigate the emotions in a connected way, but it's worth it. You are sending the message that they are safe, you are in charge of the overall structure and that their emotions are safe with you. I'm not advocating that we set limits to get our kids used to disappointment or to bolster our authority. I'm suggesting that when we hold an overall balance, caring deeply for our kids and being aware of the big picture, there will be times that they don't get what they want. When my kids (and I) were young, I tiptoed around these times. I wanted things to be pretty groovy all the time because it made me feel comfortable, successful, even worthwhile when my kids were cheerful and content. I did have boundaries, but they weren't as clear or purposeful as they could be. It's the same now, really, there are boundaries that it's easier to set (not buying even more processed food than I already do) and many others that are harder (no electronics upstairs would be a good one, and more kid participation in chores and responsibilities). Although I waver on boundaries, I am learning to set them within the context of a respectful and loving relationship with my family. When one of my sons texts to say he's done with practice and I'm on the way to the farmer's market, I tell him I'll be there after I shop. He never really expected me to drop everything to pick him up, but I've kind of expected it of myself. I'm more able now to finish what is important to me rather than just care for my family. We talk about how much data is available our family cell phone plan, and I expect my kids to stay with in reasonable limits. When they don't, I turn off their data until the new cycle starts. This is unpopular at home, although it's a pretty basic limit. I'm aware of growing out of the belief that I should be able to make everything work. This helps me to be less likely to over do. It also helps others in my family to step up and make things work, building their confidence and competence. I'm a work in progress! I write so often about emotions and how we can feel them without being hijacked by them, not because emotions themselves are so important but because being afraid of difficult emotions makes us run from a lot of experiences. If we're going to be able to say 'no' to our kids, we have to be ready and able to handle their feelings about it. Do you find yourself shying away from saying no because:
When it's time to say 'no,' let's do it! Let's live with the consequences whether it's a missed nap or a judgmental neighbor rather than tiptoe around our kids' moods. And let's support each other in this, recognizing that a parent with a child who's melting down needs a friendly look rather than criticism. |
About Gloria:I'm a person on a messy journey--healing, learning, discovering and rediscovering. Sharing, writing, talking, and teaching help me to understand myself and the world more clearly. I hope it can help make your journey a easier, too. Archives
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