THE IMPERFECT JOURNEY
  • Home
  • Counseling
    • Resources
  • Parenting
  • Astrology
    • Register
    • Astrology information form
  • About
  • Blog

To 'Be There' Rather than Separate or Teach or Fix

8/31/2016

0 Comments

 
Picture
When things get hard, your child or teen really needs your presence more than anything else. That means they actually need our presence even if and when they're being rude or loud or whiny. It's not easy to stay with them when they're doing what all of our training tells us is the wrong thing. But we CAN stay near them and love them while staying clear.

When things go really wrong and your child loses it, being present does not look like saying,
  • "Go to your room until you can stop whining," or "I can't hear you when you talk that way."
  • "Don't come out until you are under control."
  • "I can't be around you when you're like this, please go upstairs."
  • "Stop complaining."

These are things we've probably all said, right? They all push a child away when they are at their most vulnerable (Of course, it would be good for them to be vulnerable in pleasant and soft ways, and that will happen as they feel safer, closer, and sure that your presence is unconditional.). Instead, I'm recommending that we take an unconditionally present and loving approach to our kids even when they're difficult.

Being present may look like,
  • Listening deeply and trying to understand the feelings under the words. So if they're saying something hard like "Mommy, I hate you!," listen with curiosity, open to the feelings that are buried deeply under the angry words. A response like "Wow, that's a big feeling," can sometimes be good. Or even, "Will you tell me more about it?"
  • Staying near them and offering non-verbal responses like "mmm,' or simple responses like, "wow," or "yeah, I hear you," can give them time to get through some layers of emotion.
  • Hearing what they say without taking it personally. So if they say something like "This is the worst dinner ever," you can hear that as a feeling/opinion they're having. No need to defend your cooking or choices because it's not really about you, it's about their experience.
When we're present for kids during hard times, building that unconditionally loving connection, it's not the time to teach or fix or explain. Our role is to be and to love.

* But what about if they're hurting me or their sibling or themselves? Tomorrow I'll write more about how to respond lovingly when you have to take a more active role.

0 Comments



Leave a Reply.

    About Gloria:

    I'm a person on a messy journey--healing, learning, discovering and rediscovering. Sharing, writing, talking, and teaching help me to understand myself and the world more clearly. I hope it can help make your journey a easier, too.

    RSS Feed

    Archives

    April 2022
    March 2022
    September 2021
    August 2021
    July 2020
    September 2019
    August 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016

    Categories

    All
    Acceptance
    Adolescence
    Awareness
    Boundaries
    Communication
    Control
    Curiosity
    Discipline
    Emotions
    Gratitude
    Imperfection
    Interdependence
    Love
    Mindfulness
    Over-thinking
    Peace
    Poetry
    Presence
    Recommended Books
    Routines
    Self Care
    Small Moments
    Sovereignty
    Strategies
    Stress
    Teaching
    The Shadow

Join email list

* indicates required

Gloria Shepard, M. Ed.

215 313-8587
gloriashepard@gmail.com


“The best way to take care of the future is to take care of the present moment.”
― Thích Nhất Hạnh

Photos used under Creative Commons from kellynphillong, baofengwuya, benjaflynn, adrianvfloyd, @lattefarsan, Toon van Dijk - Art, Jeromy_S, Infomastern, Aaron T. Goodman, built4love.hain, MaxIFaleel, Nick Harris1, Agnes_F, Pai Shih, Sten Dueland, astrologyphotographywesildssharon, donnierayjones, amira_a, www.FrancescoToluPhotography.com, US Department of Education, Bev Goodwin, Michel Curi, byzantiumbooks, Life Lenses, x1klima, la cegna, Franklin Park Library, Bambi Corro, Jerk Alert Productions, young@art, Army Medicine, built4love.hain, Brian Lane Winfield Moore, asim chaudhuri(anurupa_chowdhury_yahoo.co.in, Malmerio_, AndresRSaenz, markus spiske, davitydave, torbakhopper, vastateparksstaff, USDAgov, John Pannell, Kevin M. Gill, Philippe Put, dan_walk, Mikael Colville-Andersen, jeffreyw, Harald Groven, thejaan, Franck_Michel, tompagenet, Ruth and Dave, Iuri Medeiros, gagilas, Philippe Put, mru24, Sports Cars Fan, Filip Chudoba Performance., ThoseGuys119, Rod Waddington, mohd fahmi, chefranden, _dChris, donnierayjones, vwynx, Drew's Photo Shoots, quinn.anya, _Dinkel_, Luis Marina, Nithi clicks, torbakhopper, donnierayjones, edenpictures, Daddy-David, mikecogh, Joey Z1, Rod Waddington, donnierayjones, beltz6, Daddy-David, quinn.anya, stevendepolo, N Medd, www.audio-luci-store.it, Nithi clicks, aqua.mech, dickdotcom, x1klima, donnierayjones, andrewtoskin, urbanlatinfemale, Ronnie Macdonald, thejaan, Dean Hochman, Henry Hemming, Jim Bauer, beltz6, 3liz4, iggyshoot, kellyv, donnierayjones, Donna McNiel, Chris Hunkeler, torbakhopper, Felipe Fernandes Photography, Www.CourtneyCarmody.com/, roseannadana: Thank you for 3 million views, velmegunar, kiera.chan, Tomek Nacho, tdlucas5000, gagilas, Keoni Cabral, The U.S. Army, Street Photography Addict, jasonbolonski, Contando Estrelas, Barbara Bonanno BNNRRB, rayography, Simon Blackley, Simon Blackley, uyht, rachel_titiriga, kellyv, pixiduc, Pleuntje, alexisjordanlewis, Tony Webster, samswitzer, tedeytan, Keoni Cabral, meeekn, maf04, Mark J Devine, #ZS, ordjuret, rcadby14, Art Dino, Mr Moss, darraghoconnor12, cogdogblog, Daddy-David, Jim Larrison, myeralan, Eric Kilby, eekim, Tatters ❀, jakesmome, ragesoss, Charlie Day DaytimeStudios, T I M E L E S S, ScottMPhotos1, donnierayjones, ToGa Wanderings, rendy cipta muliawan, **** j a z z z i ***
  • Home
  • Counseling
    • Resources
  • Parenting
  • Astrology
    • Register
    • Astrology information form
  • About
  • Blog