To 'Be There' Rather than Separate or Teach or Fix

When things get hard, your child or teen really needs your presence more than anything else. That means they actually need our presence even if and when they're being rude or loud or whiny. It's not easy to stay with them when they're doing what all of our training tells us is the wrong thing. But we CAN stay near them and love them while staying clear.

When things go really wrong and your child loses it, being present does not look like saying,

• "Go to your room until you can stop whining," or "I can't hear you when you talk that way."
• "Don't come out until you are under control."
• "I can't be around you when you're like this, please go upstairs."
• "Stop complaining."

These are things we've probably all said, right? They all push a child away when they are at their most vulnerable (Of course, it would be good for them to be vulnerable in pleasant and soft ways, and that will happen as they feel safer, closer, and sure that your presence is unconditional.). Instead, I'm recommending that we take an unconditionally present and loving approach to our kids even when they're difficult.

Being present may look like,

• Listening deeply and trying to understand the feelings under the words. So if they're saying something hard like "Mommy, I hate you!," listen with curiosity, open to the feelings that are buried deeply under the angry words. A response like "Wow, that's a big feeling," can sometimes be good. Or even, "Will you tell me more about it?"
• Staying near them and offering non-verbal responses like "mmm,' or simple responses like, "wow," or "yeah, I hear you," can give them time to get through some layers of emotion.
• Hearing what they say without taking it personally. So if they say something like "This is the worst dinner ever," you can hear that as a feeling/opinion they're having. No need to defend your cooking or choices because it's not really about you, it's about their experience.

When we're present for kids during hard times, building that unconditionally loving connection, it's not the time to teach or fix or explain. Our role is to be and to love.

* But what about if they're hurting me or their sibling or themselves? Tomorrow I'll write more about how to respond lovingly when you have to take a more active role.

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