Permissiveness Cultivates Weakness

Recognizing our kids' own innate power and our own (as I've been writing about) can be easier in theory than practice! So how do we find this elusive balance of treating or children as sovereign beings and recognizing our own sovereignty? Let's start with getting to know permissiveness.

Permissive parenting may look like:

• Giving our children what they want rather than what they need. For example, when my kids were young I remember a friend telling me that her 2-year old son would only eat cookies. This was obviously not good for him and gave him power he wasn't ready to use wisely. To provide mostly healthy and reasonable choices (even in the face of tantrum) is wiser parenting.
• Offering special treats when we feel sorry for a child. When a child is very sad, worried, or hurt, compassion and love are important, but pity is not. Pity treats the child as a victim rather than the strong, powerful being they really are. We don't need to buy a child a toy because they are bored. We don't need to hand them our smartphone when they are disappointed. We can stay present with their feelings, helping them learn to handle the range of experiences that is part of life.
• Helping our children to be dishonest. If your child has a science fair project or book report due and you do the work, you are helping them cheat. When they want to cancel plans with one friend when another friend invites them over and you make an excuse for their change, you're honoring the weak rather than the strong in them.
• Allowing your child to treat you like a second-class citizen. When your child pushes past you to get somewhere, grabs food off your plate, speaks to you contemptuously, or demands a ride rather than asking for one, they are forgetting that you are important, too. You can honor their strong self by offering a calm and clear correction.

Where does permissiveness come up in your family? Do you give in to the weak side of your child to keep the peace? Do you make choices that reflect your own wise knowing of how to handle a situation or your fear of displeasing your child or dealing with their tantrum? 
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The antidote to permissiveness is not to be controlling or harsh! If you recognize permissive parenting in yourself, begin to find better boundaries for yourself without judging or blaming your child. Remember that every day and every moment you are helping your child to discover their true self.

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