Other People Make Different Mistakes Than We Do

Everyone in the life of a child brings a mix of elements into the relationship. As parents, it can be tempting to close off from the imperfect people, protecting our precious small (and big) ones from the challenges that come with extended family, some friends, neighborhoods, and community. We naturally want our children to have the best experience.

Of course we know that we are an imperfect element in their lives! We are aware of the ways we fail our kids. We may wish we were more patient, clear, energetic, calm, or whatever.

When our kids are with other people, it can be all too easy to judge those others. Whether grandparents are indulgent or strict, absent or needy, we can struggle with their relationships with our children. Our siblings and extended family may be wonderfully supportive or may be difficult, subtly judging some kids favorably and others unfavorably. Spouses and partners can mishandle family routines, forgetting to feed kids until they're starving and cranky, riling them up before bedtime, skipping parts of the routine that are important to us. Neighbors and friends may have different rules than we do about food, play, acceptable words, and entertainment.

There are people and situations that we need to protect our kids from, and it's good to recognize those and be willing to say 'no' as needed. Most people in our children's lives, though, are not dangerous. They may be annoying and challenging for us.

So how do we handle those people and situations?

• Remember that kids are not one simple way, and they benefit from being around lots of kind of people.
• Recognize the love under even challenging behaviors.
• Help your child to make sense of confusing things. Listen deeply to what they say about a situation rather than rushing in to explain. Don't judge them for their reaction, but allow them to feel what they feel.
• Be present with your kids when they get wild, temperamental, or rude. Bring them back to your expectations without shaming them or others. Give them space to process and release pent up emotions and love them as they do it.
• Remember to be humble. We are all imperfect parents!
• Talk with people about the  things that are important, letting them know how much you and your child love them and establishing boundaries as needed. Expect this to be an ongoing conversation.

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