Certainty and Uncertainty

One of the best things I've been reading recently is Susan Gillis Chapman's book The Five Keys to Mindful Communication. She introduced me to the term toxic certainty--that kind of knowing that closes us off from each other, that is caught in a story about a situation or another person. Sometimes it's in us (maybe when we're telling a child, 'Of course you have to ____,'), sometimes it's in our kids (when they say something like 'Nobody wants to sit with me,' or 'I don't need any help'?). Certainly it's up in the political world right now.

So whether you're talking to your child or answering a challenging comment on Facebook, what do you think you know that you could explore more deeply?

What if we dedicate ourselves today, this weekend, to listening with curiosity? Some questions I've been asking myself about my inner experience, my talks with my teenage sons and husband, experiences with extended family, friends, students, the news, etc., include:

• How am I feeling right now in my body and heart?
• How would this sound if I wasn't having an emotional reaction?
• Can I listen from another perspective?
• What if my story or belief isn't true?
• Can I find a connection with the person I'm listening to, even if we don't agree?

This can transform an argument with a 'stubborn' child or other family member into an opportunity for loving connection and understanding.

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