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When a Limit Doesn't 'Work'

6/3/2016

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As I've been writing all week, parents are in charge of the structure of a family and that requires us to set some limits. 

Sometimes  it seems that our kids don't respond well to a limit. Wouldn't it be easier if they looked at us and said, "How wise mom, that you're taking me home even though I want to stay at the playground. I'm hungry and tired, and even though I'm having fun it's time to go!" Of course, it's more likely that they'll melt down when we say no to their request to stay just a little longer.

When this happens, we often feel like failures. It can be awkward, embarrassing, and frustrating to handle their tears, complaints, and resistance when we really want to go home to have lunch and give them a nap. And we sometimes feel frustrated with them, thinking they shouldn't act this way. But it's normal.

When things get difficult, you don't need to try to control, diminish, or change their emotions, you can just accept them. By allowing their feelings and staying connected with your child, you help them to know that their feelings are okay. Being upset, sad, or even having a meltdown will not threaten your child's connection with you. Your child gets the chance to feel loved and accepted even though they aren't in control of whether or not to stay.

And you also don't need to argue, negotiate, or convince them, even if they try to draw you into it. You can stay calm and clear, sticking with your expectation that it's time to go. This helps your child to know that they can want to stay without necessarily staying. Feelings and desires are just feelings and desires, they don't always need to be indulged.

It may take longer to leave than you want as you navigate the emotions in a connected way, but it's worth it. You are sending the message that they are safe, you are in charge of the overall structure and that their emotions are safe with you. 


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    About Gloria:

    My life and work are guided by the these core understandings: that all beings (including me!) are capable of transformation and joy, that healthy parenting matters profoundly, and that simple practices can support each of us.

    I'm a mom of two young adults and a mindfulness practitioner on a spiritual path. I've found these journeys to be interconnected and mutually supportive. Together, they are challenging, rich, inspiring, and surprising, every single day.

    Practicing mindfulness helps me find peace with myself, my family, my life, and this messy world day by day.


    I teach mindfulness and mindful parenting classes and work with individuals sharing what I've learned over my twelve years of practicing mindfulness, twenty years of parenting, thirty years of teaching, and fifty years of living.

    I am grateful to be part of Soul Source, a community consortium that provides teachings and tools designed to inspire participants to live more consciously and to pass that wisdom and inspiration on to others. 

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