So what does it mean to be patient with our kids and ourselves? We're in the middle of often busy lives, trying to get to work on time, get groceries, fulfill our commitments. Parents ask "Am I supposed to just give up on everything else to patient with my child?" You don't need to give up on other things, but when your child is feeling anxious or upset, you can listen and care. If you have to get somewhere or do something, consider how much time the issue is already taking. Will it take longer to listen than it takes to argue or threaten or plead? Probably not. Even if there isn't time to listen to everything your child wants (needs?) to say, you can be present for them in a loving and accepting way. "Wow, this is a hard morning. I love you!" rather than "Just calm down before you ruin my whole morning, can't anything ever be simple around here?" can make a big difference! Your child may not feel a lot better, but they aren't going to feel worse.
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It's so tempting to rush as parents! I remember wanting to hurry the birth up, tired of waiting through those uncomfortable final days of pregnancy. I knew better--knowing that the baby knows when it's time to be born and that it would be wise to relax and even savor those final days--but it was so hard to be patient. At every age and stage, there's a part of me that rushes ahead. Kids don't hurry, though. They don't rush through birth, through nursing, through learning to walk or use the potty or do homework or drive a car. They don't learn how to handle their temper in a moment (not even in a great moment of understanding). Development takes time. There are bits of progress, regressions, distractions, confusions. As a mom, I've learned how important it is to slow down. I've learned through hard experience that pushing and hurrying slows us down. That my kids need to move in their own timing. And that real learning doesn't happen on my timetable. Lately I've been reflecting on anxiety and counseling parents on how to work with it. We talk about how important it is to slow down and build a strong connection with their child rather try to 'fix' anxious symptoms. The symptoms can be easy to change in the short term, but I don't want to help parents hide their child's anxiety! I want to help the child and parents to transform the anxiety. That takes time. What are you working on with your kids? Manners? Going to sleep independently? Non-violence? Chores? Whatever it is, take a moment to step back and see the big picture. Remember that you aren't raising them to behave a certain way just today or tomorrow or even this year. You're helping them learn how to really handle complex questions with wisdom and integrity. Stay tuned, I'll be writing more on this topic over the coming week! In the midst of the dark days, the days when nothing seems like it'll ever be okay again, there are seeds of wonder and joy. We can't see them, they're buried deep underground, but they are there. Children--and parents--have an enormous capacity to change, grow, forgive, and love when conditions are good. How are things going right now in your family? Is there despair in you about something? Your marriage, your baby, your teen, your child's physical health or ability to learn? Or despair about yourself, the feeling that you aren't a good enough parent, aren't skilled enough, have the wrong personality? Breathe and stay present. Pay attention to anything, anything positive. Keep on watering the seeds of love, joy, and goodness in yourself and your family. Remember that you are a beautiful being. Remember that your child is a beautiful being. Be patient. Growing things take time! Kids are so tender, so sensitive, and they need our love in a very personal, connected way. Even when they're difficult, they need to feel our love as a constant, abiding energy in their life. There are times I notice myself getting annoyed and forgetting the connection with one of my kids. I may begin just mentally dwelling on their mistake, how they've wronged me. I may be ruminating on something they don't understand or aren't handling well. And my grievance is true, they have done something difficult. But I catch myself building a wall in my heart, closing myself off from the loving connection with them because I am too focused on the problem. Do you ever do this? I think we all do at times. We close ourselves off from things that hurt or confuse or upset, even these children we love so much. When we see them as they really are, the beautiful and pleasing aspects as well as the challenging aspects, and we stay open to them, that is true love. It's easy to love a child who is listening, kind, clean, sweet, successful, warm-hearted, etc. Even when we're tired or overwhelmed, we can love them. It isn't so easy to love a child who is yelling at or even kicking us. It may not be so easy to love a child who is defying, making a huge mess, failing a class, choosing a non-traditional educational path, supporting a presidential candidate we disagree with, etc. The thing is, love is love. We don't need to love every choice a child makes, of course. We don't need to savor every word they say. We don't need to love every outfit they choose, every paper they write, every opinion they express. But we can love them, no matter what they think, say, feel, look like, or choose. We can love in the midst of poopy diapers, sleepless nights, and even rude language. The poopy diapers, as unpleasant as they are, are easier to accept than the rudeness or failures. Our babies don't do it on purpose, right? But sometimes it feels like their anger, disrespect, or mistakes are more their fault. This week, I'll be writing about loving them even at their worst. Are there times you cut yourself off from your child? Limits, conscious or unconscious, to your love? When we look at a child, we can see their dirty rooms, their unfinished thank-you notes, their messy faces, or we can see THEM. Which have you been seeing? It's easy to focus on improving, teaching, or even 'fixing' kids rather than seeing and connecting with them. Last week I was leading a meditation and a student shared an insight she had received from our very wise teacher, "Send your daughter the message--'I love you exactly as you are right now.'" What a great message, right? Let's do it. Let's tell our kids, with our words and our body language, eye contact, smiles, and everything, "I love you, exactly as you are right now." Drop the conditions, the 'I'll be happy with you when . . . ' and get down to the real truth. The truth is, we really do love them exactly as they are. Worries, busyness, and our own emotional stuff can get in the way of expressing that love, but it's in us. If we let it out and flood them with love and acceptance, imagine how that could change this week. I'm working on it, starting now. |
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